New Year Alot's Changed - Actually

Right I know i haven't made a blog post for a while, that's because I've been doing a lot, mainly: been in a couple of plays watched England fail in the world cup, as usual, splitting up with my girlfriend, failing my AS levels, re-sitting year 12, going to the army careers office, enduring a two week training camp with the 19Th cadet training team and other little things like that. How time flies when your being miserable. More importantly i bought a tin of "old git" mints today because i realised that i am a seventeen year old OAP. Right that's pretty much all the main points covered will probably post again soon.

David

PS: I'll probably forget to post and then in about eight months I'll find the link on facebook and think "oh shit i really should do something about that!"

The Joys of being a sixth Former

Right now that i am officially on study leave, I have got shed loads of time at home to revise and prepare or my AS levels, but today, the 17th of May 2010 I decided to look back at the year gone by and arguably the most memorable incidents. Now for those of you, who don't know anything about me and are just reading this because you find it funny, firstly why? and secondly the thing you have to understand is that at my school, every lunchtime year twelves have got duties to stop the little bastards that are the lower school wondering around the corridors at lunchtime. Well this one time i was just sat on my stool by the double door opposite one of the science laboratories when this happened:

whilst on a duty one afternoon:

DT to random, Rather Mentally Fucked Child: where are you going?

RMFC: outside

DT not convinced: Right answer

RMFC and assorted retards, who are probably related to plants walk straight past the door

DT: OI! Get out

Rabble run away

DT pursues shouting catches up and gets in front of them then is pinned against wall by RMFC

RMFC: Get out of the way (well I assume that's what he said, I think it was English)

DT: Grow up (then realises that if he doesn't let rabble through he will probably get knifed...again)

lets rabble through

DT looks at Tom: Yeah thanks for the assist

TW: Oh I was waiting to see you get beaten then film it

DT throws TW a look

TW: Don't use that look on me I invented that look

seriously remind me why i am friends with this douche???, oh yeah because like him i am a total and utter social retard, who has made a complete mess of his school career and we are pretty much the only people that understand each other. Oh the joys of being a sixth former!

OH THANK CHRIST!!!!

WOW!!! finally finished that absolute bastard of a drama play!!! seriously had the best night sleep on Tuesday night ever. it went really quite well and apparently according to Mrs Monk, we got into the top of grade band 2, whatever that means, I'm just happy to be rid of that fucking play and also to be rid of, as my best friend tom put it "The drama Nazis!, which i thought was rather quite fitting!! right now have a look at the other three subjects, that i have been neglecting!! English language....urm actually lets not go there. Physics, one word MIND-FUCK!!! (and yes before you all get cocky and write in saying "oooh, but i think you'll find that mind-fuck is two words, no it isn't its hyphenated-there) Finally to the realm of the stupidly stupid...Applied Science....i mean For Fuck Sake, Mr bloody Kemp, expected the class to be amazed by the fact that if you leave a beaker of boiling water in a room, then over time it will cool down. JESUS CHRIST ON A BICYCLE, we aren't two, we all have(well most of us) have an IQ of over 3 i recon we could have worked it out for ourselves. yeah that's it Rant over for now BYE!

OH FUCK DRAMA!!

OH FUCK, OH FUCK, my Final assessed performance is in a week, and we are screwed, seriously i am on stage for literally 5 minutes maximum an only speaking for two. our play is "A matter of Life and Death" adapted by "Kneehigh theatre", sometimes i just wish they wouldn't, don't get me wrong it's a good play, a bit confusing at times, but yeah. You are probably reading this blog and thinking, Stop blogging and go and sort it then you tool, well if so your probably right, but in any case fuck off. You will be glad to know that i have sorted out the problem with the page, so now it's beautiful and viewable once again.

Careers

Right firstly sorry for not posting anything recently, but I have been too bloody busy to think about it- FUCKING SCHOOL!!! Anyway now i have a minute I want to talk about career prospects. (or lack of). Right firstly I have been rather tempted by joining the Army, the military police actually. but then My bloody parents said "your not going in as a soldier, Officer or nothing" so yeah there goes that theory. Then i thought about going to university to study Drama and become an actor, then reality hit me and i realised i would have NO MONEY AT ALL, which could be a bit of an issue. and just now i have had a look at the CO19 web page, for those of you who don't know CO19 is who the police call to deal with the worst of the worst, well that's before they call international rescue or Chuck Norris but yeah. So I've emailed the bloke who works for the central team in London, which i assume is the best team to go for, and am now awaiting a reply, which i really don't think will be taken seriously at all. right that's about it BYE!!

Seriously, Footballers

Right firstly i want to apologise for not writing anything for ages, but i really couldn't be bothered! This is here only because i decided i was bored with writing an English essay, and wanted something else to do. So being a teenage boy, my thoughts soon drifted to Cheryl Cole, or Cheryl Tweedy, as she will soon be known, Oh Ashley, you really are a complete and utter noobe! seriously you know when you are completely and utterly insane, when you have a wife as completely and utterly unbelieveable as Cheryl Cole, then you go and have an affair with someone else! Three words to completely and utterly tantalise a premiership footballer are "French, (bear with me) Underwear, (see) Model". Well Cheryl if you are reading this (which i really hope you are), give us a call, leave a comment and i will get back to you.

Shopping with Women

Right, just had a rather feminine day, going into town with my totally beautiful girlfriend, Sam, and her friend Sara. Well originally it sounded like a slow relaxing mill about town. Oh No. from the moment we got off the bus they had me dragged into shops of questionable ethics, Ann Summers for example. it was ok until they both went into the changing rooms and left me sat out with some pornographic board games, when a shopping attendant came out of no-where asking me what i was doing and if i needed help. of course, my instant reaction was to run, but then i realised that i was with company so i rather nervously, well actually i was more of a shout said that i was with my girlfriend. upon this she buggered off, judging me as some sort of pervert. Thankfully, once they were done in the changing room we left and i wasn't noticed by any one i knew, the taunting would have been endless, that someone had seen me walking out of a sex shop, and let's be frank it is, with two women. well the rest of the day was ok, except that on the bus back her ex sat in front of me and tried to size me up, this used all of my self control not to lean forward and twat the bastard for being such a dick to her in the past. well after that i went home to find that my computer had finally accepted itunes and allowed me to download some films onto my ipod, which was nice!!! Apart from that there was noting really that happened today. Right well that's about it for now bye!!!

NHS- What A Joke

JESUS CHRIST!!! just got a rather alarming msn, conversation/email type thing one of my friends has been offered a free chlamydia testing kit, and a, get this GLOW IN THE DARK CONDOM! The NHS want to make his nob, glow. Seriously there have got to be better things for the NHS to be doing than giving luminescent sheath to amuse himself with. Like maybe saving people's lives or whatever the fuck they are supposed to be doing. to put this into perspective, there was a soldier, who put his neck on the line by going out to Afghanistan, where he got his leg blown off by a mine. he then flew back home, to get properly treated, and all the NHS gave him was MRSA, i mean for Christ sake, hasn't he been through enough. National Health Service, Not Helpful Staff!! told them!, right rant over bye!

Ok, Right I know I said "no videos", well I lied

Can i just elaborate a little on this. Ok, i was set a video on this for my AS Physics class, and we needed to enlist the help of some trusty friends, who had, how can i say this delicately, "firearms", but don't worry if any of you are from the police, they are not real and are completely legal, and yes we had supervision....sort of. Ok here we go, oh and if you look carefully you will see, me i am the one, who first gets shot, watch the video, you'll see what I mean. ENJOY!!!!

First time for Everything

...Right first blog need to be funny, but factual, funny, but factual. Right well for the vast majority of people on the Internet, who don't know me my name is David. i live in the very boring and rather upper class parts of Gloucestershire. at the moment I am in year twelve at The Cotswold School, and have already decided what i want from life. to join the army as soon as i can. "No don't do it", "you'll die" i hear, or more likely "yeah, what was that David, have a nice time." so yeah completely loved there.
At the moment i am sat at the computer staring at, quite possibly the STUPIDEST fly i have ever seen trying to fly into my lamp and generally buggering it up. but hey, that is me being generally boring and rather easily amused.
played Hockey for the First time today. FUCK. there are some things that my body are not meant for, and hockey is quite possibly one of them!!! I mean I'm alright at it, but i really need to learn when to get out of the way of the fast moving solid object flying towards me at an alarming rate, all of this made slightly more pressurised, when it was pointed out to me that my girlfriend was stood at the side of the pitch watching with her friend.
oh yep and as if on que fall over straight on my arse, i wouldn't have minded, but it's an all weather pitch and now have MAJOR friction burns to my rear. ( any sympathy would be greatly appreciated) and just before you get excited no, i don't have one of these amazing video cameras that i only have to point in the general direction of east and the film will be on the internet, so sorry about that, but don't be alarmed by this i will still post things that i find funny here. ok well that's about it for now. Right now where do I click?